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Hey - the video content doesn't match the title. You are talking about FA but the title and intro say avoidant.

My experience doesn’t line up with this. I used to be severely avoidant. When I was left by my exes of 7 year, the only person that had ever made me feel it was safe enough to attach to ( apparently I was wrong about it being safe to attach) I had a complete identity collapse and developed an anxious attachment. My point is sometimes when the breakup is painful enough a person might completely switch attachment styles.

Thanks!

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Other than sexual intimacy, the last 5 months of a 20 month relationship - I can't think of 1 need that I got filled. Her life was constant drama and turmoil ( physical, emotional, psychological, relational).

Its kind of dismissive to suggest that the INDIVIDUAL isn't missed, but the needs they filled, IS. Denies actual intimacy and makes relationship seem purely transactional.

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Complete waste of time doing the quiz on your site, won't accept any of my email addresses to send results.

I did an attachment style quiz, and it was pure garbage, I'm absolutely nothing Ike it said I'm like in a relationship.

Too bad for my 2 exes like this, I'm unforgettable 😆, one's tried to come back many times, the other one went into what seems to me is a rebound

Both avoidance ive been wirh went into another relationship

Well you just described exactly how I felt after my breakup. It would be nice to have a video for avoidants on how to know if you really sabotaged something worth trying to go back to and thats why you're sad or of you're just finally being hit with the emotions. Sox or seven months after the break up I just went thru some of the hardest feelings of missing the good things. Were together for 12 years. With a lot of space though I think I can see we were just too far apart on certain expectations and the way we wanted to live our daily weekly lives. But it was so confusing when those feelings hit

the more secure we become, the more unattractive the insecure become

Please do a video covert narcissists, they are the ones who have the avoidant attachment style. The traits for the typical or grandiose do not match an avoidant attachment at all. The subsets are important and will clear up a lot of the confusion that makes people stay with covert narcissists.

This sounds like too much work

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Went no contact with my DA and in 2 months she re-emerged with a “are you okay?” Text. We had a short conversation and then went to sleep. Then she went back into her shell. It dawned on me that she only contacts me when she has some “liquid courage “. Otherwise it’s just basic 2-3 word texts and not much else. So do I take it slow or just scrap it? Please advise

Hi, I love your content. I’m a DA but really trying to be better and learn how to become secure. Your videos are helpful but often are about people who have partners that are avoidant and how they should deal with them. Could you do more on how a DA can heal their attachment style or what patterns they need to be aware of in themselves ?

I think it would be helpful to create as many videos for dismissive avoidants who want to heal. There are way too many videos on how others should respond to avoidants. It’s informative but doesn’t hit the crux of the matter

This was an amazing detailed explanation!

DA's are heartless robots. Just remember how distant and alone you felt inside the relationship. Find happiness elsewhere

Or you could just find a normal person who actually wants to have sex with you, will show you love, and you won't have to think about everything you say before you say it, and adjust it based on their infantile thinking. If they're DA, forget about it. Remember, it also means "DON'T ATTEMPT". It's exhausting and will affect you in a bad way.

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I was offered one recently and i declined you live and learn

If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.

You have completely changed my life! I am definitely on my journey in phase 1 and it's so exciting!

I was in a situationship with an FA. But guess what? He was in a real relationship with someone else, she had his baby, was buying her flowers and putting in effort he wouldn’t for me. He was telling her he loved her, not me. I was being used. She’s being used. He would tell me how fragile his heart is and be so gentle… for himself. He cared about his own feelings/needs/wants… not mine and not hers. She’s not more lucky than me even tho he was slightly more committed to her than me. She thinks she won. She won nothing. He still texts me. I’m done. She can settle. Let these ppl go. Don’t try to underStand them. He ruined me

Best Podcast I've seen on this topic! ❤

"Growth in general, is making different choices than you've made before."

The only way to change a situationship with an avoidant, is to leave. As soon as you recognize the person you are dealing with is an avoidant, leave! Because nothing will change. They are a waste of time and the only things they are good at is self-sabotaging; leaving a path of destruction and hurt behind them... 🙄

Why is a dismissive avoidant more dismissive towards me when we are in his apartment more than in my apartment? (he is not dismissive when he is over my place - he is nicer, warmer, and more open to me in my apartment. It's very odd.

Yes, I am. We've been in this for 3 years. We broke up for four months because he wouldn't commit but missed each other so we're back but he's expressing that he's terrified of sharing a life with someone after his painful toxic 11 year relationship, that he has major fears around vulnerability and connection but that he wants to change ... and yet he's terrified of how much work is going to be involved and how scary it's going to feel. I'm encouraging him to take it one small step at a time and I've recommended EMDR therapy and 12 step for sex and love addiction issues (which healed me so much) but I'm trying hard not to take a therapist/mother role and to set my own boundaries while letting him have his own journey. And a journey it is!

funny story I (FA) had a longgg overdue talk with my DA about how I don’t wanna be in this situationship anymore because I want a relationship, bc I have feelings for him. And what he said was: “We’re not in a situationship, we’re just having fun”. 🙃 Fyi this *having fun* had been going on for 4 YEARS. 🙂 Just the irony of how DA’s are now avoiding labeling their situationship… when that label exists due to them not labeling relationships. And him saying it’s not a situationship hurt me. It made me feel the way that you’re supposed to feel when you think you’ve been dating someone and catching feelings but all this time they were thinking of you as just a fwb. But instead I’m feeling this way about me thinking this was a situationship… what?? Sure dude “we’re just having fun” omfg. I ended it with him btw. Me being FA I’ve tried leaving it soo many times but I’ve been able to go no-contact for longer than a month now yay!!! So proud of me.

This video doesn't sound like fearfuls at all to me. I attract dismissives who use me and take me for granted, while I'm trying to be maximum charming & caring, but (now I think about it) it's always on their schedule. No exhaustion problems with dismissives. If they were kids, I'd be able to see how they'd gotten taller between visits. And then there comes a point when I've had enough and say something, which is incredibly hard for me. They say yeah yeah and carry on regardless. So I cut ties. Don't know how to get out of the pattern. Everything on the subject seems to be about intimate partners, which is quite different.

Dealing with an avoidant is a fools errand

Successfully going No Contact takes self-discipline. In the beginning there will be an obsessive panicky need to JUST send ONE TEXT to the avoidant. A good way to resist this compulsion is to write your desperate message to the avoidant. BUT: write it on a Word document only. Don't send it; let it stay on your hard drive. This will give you the feeling of reaching out without actually doing so. In all matters of life, breaking or creating a habit takes around 21 days. The 'Word doc only' approach is a good way to gradually wean yourself off the compulsive need to reach out to your avoidant. Within a month or less the old habit will be replaced by a new one. In this case, it means you'll no longer feel the need to make contact. If you tell your avoidant ex (or avoidant-on-hold) that you will go silent as long as they feel the need for space; and if you told fast to that commitment, you will benefit. You'll learn that you're stronger than you had thought: That you're not a desperate, clingy, needy person. This will boost your self-confidence. When your avoidant realizes that you've kept your no contact commitment they will come to respect you more, and see you as much more desirable. Even if your relationship never gets reestablished, you'll still benefit from your greater self-confidence. Finally, successfully going No Contact is only workable for sober people. Those who over-drink will get into a weepy (or angry) mental state and will reach out to the avoidant. The drunk person will make a total ass of themself, which will confirm to the avoidant that they're a loser. No contact is only for the sober. Don't even attempt it if you're a drinker (or an Ambien abuser.)

I watched this video because i was recently goin through this. I can be pretty attached to someone i have chemistry with but im also an Aquarius so just like we get attached we can get just as detached after a while of effort. That being said id make an effort to be in contact with the avoidant after a hang out once every other month. Hed disappear reach out after a few months. Disappear do it again. Mind you we've known each other a few years...reconncted a year ago so there was always chemistry. But if i reached out...crickets or just seldom. That being said im reading the comments and if it helps anyone its better to just move on. Relationships like these can have a negative effect on your mental. It sure did minds ...in more ways id hate to admit. I recently blocked this person on everything just cus i couldn't cope with being disregarded and taken for granted. I helped him celebrate a milestone...my last text was to ask him to help celebrate one i had happen. He could have said no anything really but the no response was my last straw. Now i just focus on work and the gym. Its not worth it ...and i love this person. But i know what i want for my self and thats longevity and to feel emotionally secure with someone. Theres someone out there that can give me that and til then i rather put all my energy into myself. Grant it i miss him and i get tempted to just to let the cycle continue....but ask yourself...is it worth you missing out on what YOU need?

My FA ex had HUGE trust issues with my ability to make money and meet her financial needs. Never communicated or tried to work it out. She self sabotaged the healthy relationship once I met her family 💔

No contact was healthy for my own healing, from anxious to secure. It took me in a wonderful direction cultivating a deeper spirituality, and that enabled me to much more unconditionally loving and accepting. Detaching has been very healthy for me, and we were able to reconnect in a more balanced way.

Its confusing.I've been seeing this guy for over a year now.Its like he could hide his dark side from me,but when we went on vaccation 2 weeks ago, i really got a reality check.He was acting avoidant and hot and cold and i could feel his stress from time to time,when we had disacreements.I really wish to be a seccure partner-with or without him.

Just don't interact with these type of people. They're radioactive

You know what often happens to women with avoidant attachment problems? Guys with experience pump and dump them because they can tend to be easy to pick up. I used to be one of those guys. I could spot a woman with attachment issues a mile off. Easy game. Then I started to feel remorse about it, and stopped. Now I just avoid these women. It's not fun mucking around in other people's unhealed trauma. Yep. It's a cold world out there. Work on getting better.

lil too late. She ran away. With another dude.

My avoidant used to talk about all the exes that satisfied her sexually. I’m glad I’m out!!

Me and my DA ex got on so well the 3months we were together. No arguments,Only laughs. When she ended it after her close friend died, i was heartbroken. Im good now and i just miss the company and the laughs. We were great for each others and I still want her friendship. As we only went out for a short time, I think this is possible. Im gonna write her a letter saying this. Im 56,.shes 59

Dont DA understand that they are getting older and they need a partner? What if they get sick or something? And they need someone to help them?

gaslighting ... wow ... seeking to gain power and control over another person by distorting reality, forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

She began falling for me at the 6 month mark and over two weeks discarded and faded. Broke my heart!!

Another excellent video, full resonance with my attachment style. Always appreciated

Wow! Amazing video, thank you! I’m dating a DA and I’m a recovering AP. I see a lot of similarities in my boyfriend’s behavior. Fear of enmeshment (even when I haven’t brought up additional commitment, it has indeed been in his subconscious, based on his marriage and painful divorce 5 yrs ago). I’m giving him space, going at his pace, and keeping my own needs in mind too. This video helps me understand him better. Thank you, Thais!